Sexy People is a blog that celebrates the perfect portrait. I wish I had a scanner so I could put up my ridiculously perfect portraits.

When I touring in Oregon we played an outside show at the bottom of a small mountain. We had some time to kill so the drummer and I climbed the mountain. It wasn’t a mountain mountain, it was fairly grassy, but deceptively steep. Close to the top we found an old rickety abandoned cabin. The floor was littered with National Geographics from the ages. Amongst the mess I found a perfect portrait. It was of an unattractive girl wearing her basketball uniform holding a ball. She had the frizziest hair ever, it even dwarfed the basketball. Anyways, I obviously kept the portrait and put it up on the passenger’s visor in the van. I named her Andrea. A few hours later this guy from the show was talking to us by the van. He noticed the picture and I told him she was my girlfriend from back home. He didn’t miss a beat and sincerely told me she was really hot. I know, it wasn’t a great story, but I really miss Andrea and I still wonder who stole my picture of her.

This last one is one of my favorites.

UPDATE!!!

ANDREA HAS BEEN FOUND!!!

Thanks Josh. I guess her hair wasn’t so frizzy, and she kind of has an Andre the Giant face.

Kurt Thomas was on the U.S. Olympic team, and he won a lot of medals, but unfortunately none were at the Olympics.² He also invented a sweet move called The Thomas Flair which many break dancers use today. You’d think that after all he accomplished in his gymnastic career he’d take some time off to rest on his laurels. Not Kurt Thomas, after conquering gymnastics he set his sights on film and totally changed the world.

Wow, that trailer is awesome! The “Game” that they’re talking about is played in a tiny country called Parmistan. No one has won it in 900 years. If you win, you get one request, if you lose, well… you get the idea. The reason the U.S. Government has sent gymnast Kurt Thomas to compete is because somehow Parmistan got a hold of a satellite station which can monitor every satellite and it has something to do with the Star Wars program. I think terrorists are involved too and they could destroy nations somehow with the station. Someone mentioned nuclear threat too. So whoever wins this game gets to request control of the station. Don’t worry though, they only mention the plot in the beginning of the movie. After that you just have to enjoy Kurt Thomas fighting people with gymnastics.

One of the best scenes is where he has to go through the village of the damned and deal with all of Parmistan’s criminally insane. For some reason there’s an actual pommel horse which he then proceeds to pommel the whole village with. I think they had to do a lot of scenes in one take because there’s one part early on in the game where they’re leaving the city on horses and a towns person totally gets plowed over by a horse on accident.

All in all I’d say this movie is a winner. It’s based on a novel from 1957 too so that gives it a little bit more class. It’s so completely inept that it’s amazing it even got finished. Here’s two more weird scenes if you need more convincing:

1. ‘Killer’ added for emphasis.

2. He probably would’ve won a few if the U.S. didn’t boycott the 1980 games.

Fash·ion [fash-uhn] Pronunciation Key –noun
1. a prevailing custom or style of dress, etiquette, socializing, etc.: the latest fashion in dresses.
2. conventional usage in dress, manners, etc., esp. of polite society, or conformity to it: the dictates of fashion; to be out of fashion.
–verb (used with object)

Having worked in and around the world of Haute Couture (High Fashion) for a good 6 years now,I consider myself acquainted.

Alas, the more I learn, the less I wish I knew.

Yes, folks I do believe the Honeymoon is over and that if a few changes are not made soon…
divorce papers may be signed.

First off, take the fact that most of the clothing brands your average American has access to and can afford are sewn in sweat shops by tiny children in third world countries.

YES! Guess, Abercrombie and Fitch, Calvin Kline, Forever 21, Victoria’s Secret, Target, Old Navy and Banana Republic are a mere handful of names on the long list.

for more info on such dreadful matters visit www.sweatshopwatch.org

Now, multiply that by idea that there is no true middle ground between the cheaply sweat shop made ‘Ready to Wear’ garments (1.clothing made in standard sizes; ready-made clothing ) and pocket book emptying one of a kind ‘Couture’ pieces (1.high fashion; the most fashionable and influential dressmaking and designing ).

that’s right, except for a very select few exceptions to the rule (which i am currently working on compiling a list of) the fashion forward young person of today must make one of two choices when purchasing a brand new garment.

1. Buy a moderately cute but horribly sewn inexpensive garment at say Forever 21 (I like to call this “disposable clothing” the garment equivalent to a tampon due to the fact that it will most likely fall apart after one wear and wash) and support the mistreatment of fellow humans at the same time.

or

2. Take out a loan and skip eating out and other social outings like movies and bowling for a few years in order to purchase an exquisite hand made dress by Christian Lacroix but chances are you may be accused of looking like an escapee from the its a small world Disneyland ride if you are caught wearing it out.

You also have the problem of how shallow and competitive this industry is.
Jobs in fashion are all who you know and not how talented you are and even if by chance you do get your foot in the door of one of the major companies most of the fun and creative side has been taken out and replaced with pure business and many a rule and regulation. How can we create a product for as cheep as we possibly can and mark it up as much as possible?
Not fun. Not interesting. Not ethical.

I am not going to even get into the horrible stereotypes fueled by the greedy fashion industry that start even in grade school.
comments like “Did you see her shoes?” or “Is that a faux Chanel bag she is carrying?”
are yet another hurdle our youth have to overcome to feel “accepted” or “normal”.

DISCLAIMER-

I am by no means telling you to avoid trying to look “cool” or shopping at the normal places you go to find that last minute dress you really need for the office Christmas party. I myself on occasion do darken the doors of several of the clothing chains that I previously mentioned. I personally believe that one must feel 100% conviction about something in order to properly boycott it and boycotting is not convenient in the busy fast paced country we live in.

We can do a whole lot more good in this world by finding and creating alternatives for the things we disagree with rather than standing outside businesses with signs and yelling at all who pass by.

That being said, here are a few positive things you can do to counteract all of the horrible things that go on behind the scenes of the world of fashion

• Be Creative Enough To Re-Invent The Clothes You Already Own

instead of reading to cheesy shopping magazines like Lucky that just make you want to BUY BUY BUY I would rather refer to The sartorialist and see what REAL people all over the globe are actually wearing on the streets. It is always visually inspiring, never boring and I usually come away with ideas of how to put pieces together that have been sitting in my closet forever in a whole new way.

• Buy Vintage and Thrift

It takes a little more time and yes your hands usually smell a little funny after sorting through chaotic racks of old clothes for a few hours but you are doing amazing things for the environment and mankind and chances are you will NEVER run into another girl with the same crazy floral print dress. You will be random, fashionable relevant, avant garde and one of a kind all wrapped up in one.

• Support Your Local Designers

Look into who the local designers are in your city. When starting out, young up and coming designers often have a hard time charging the money they want to get for their pieces due to the fact that no one has heard of them. Help them get their name out there by wearing their pieces and in turn you get great deals on exclusive clothing and a chance to be a little different. There are also scores of designers with merchandise available on the Internet take Jared Gold’s Black Chandelier line for example. Both inexpensive and interesting.

• Give Clothes That You Don’t Wear to Charities

Why throw things away when you can help others.
If you do not know of any local trustworthy charities to give to visit www.justgive.org

• Take a Sewing Class

If you have the spare time and the interest you should take the basic sewing class at your local fabric store even if all you desire to do is alter the fabulous things you find at the salvation army or take those old boot cut jeans that still fit and make them skinny jeans in just a few minutes.
If this is a little over your head, i suggest getting in touch with the college nearest you that has a design program. Fashion students need both experience and cash and will take in or let out things for much less than any alterations shop.

• Barter and Trade

So you are an amazing cook and your friend Erica can sew
Erica’s boyfriends parents are coming over for dinner and she is petrified. She always burns everything! You can cook a fabulous meal for her and in turn she will make that adorable high-wasted skirt with all the buttons you’ve been talking about for a month now.
bring back the bartering system. It is artsy and cool.
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So I finally saw The Dark Knight on the IMAX yesterday. I was blown away by the IMAX sequences. I forgot just how good 70mm film can look. This isn’t necessarily a review of the new Batman movie, you’ve probably already seen it anyways. If you haven’t seen it yet because you’ve been in the hospital or something then you’d better stop reading because I’m going to unleash some spoilers.

After I saw The Dark Knight the first time I tried to convince myself that it was the best comic themed movie ever. Batman is my favorite comic book character, and I would argue the most important comic character in history. Unfortunately this new movie must be more closely scrutinized than the rest for that reason.

I was never a Make Mine Marvel kid. I read a little Spiderman and X-Men, but Batman was where it was at. And especially Neal Adam’s Batman. Batman, along with Bo Jackson, and Mr. T were my role models. Batman had the detective skills of Sherlock Holmes, the gadgets of James Bond, the fighting abilities of Bruce Lee plus 100 ninjas, and most importantly an insane thirst for justice. Those are all things that are humanly possible if one works hard enough (except if you’re not blessed with being a billionaire I guess the gadget thing is a problem). Batman wasn’t an alien, he was never in a laboratory experiment gone awry, he wasn’t born with any super powers, he was basically a regular dude.

I loved The Dark Knight. No doubt this is the best film in the Batman series, except for maybe this one. Heath Ledger totally ruled as a Joker I’ve never seen before. The closest I can think of is the Joker from The Killing Joke, which I think the new movie borrowed heavily from since in that story the Joker tries to prove that he can make a certain someone insane from just one bad day. The Harvey Dent/Two Face stuff is great too. I hate to say it, but I think that the movie would’ve been better without Batman. His raspy voice really bothers me. Really, I think I’ll save myself some time and send you to this insightful review by Devin at Chud.com. While I don’t agree completely with him, he does bring up a lot of really good points. One of the biggest problems I had with it was the Joker. Although he steals the show, he’s also very poorly written. How can someone that claims he never has a plan seemingly pull off all these really big schemes with less that a day to work it all out?¹

And what’s with this whole thing with the Government helping Batman to spy on Gotham’s people to catch the Joker? It reminds me of Kingdom Come and Frank Miller’s Batman. It’s these half baked plot points that really bring the movie down for me. You could make a great Batman movie where he turns Gotham into a police state like in Kingdom Come. Instead they just glossed over the whole thing and didn’t even take a firm stance on whether or not it’s a good idea to spy on the population in order to take down evil.

I’ve decided for myself that as far as movies go, Iron Man is the clear winner for best all round comic book movie ever. At least until we get to see Watchmen.

1. In a recent interview with Ian Punnet on Coast to Coast AM, Neal Adams explained that the Joker is an expert planner BECAUSE he’s so psychotic, and while I agree with him on that since he knows the Joker better than most people, I didn’t see anything in the movie to suggest that was the case.

Remember that Brady Bunch episode where they went to a ghost town and got kidnapped or something? It might have been an episode of Out Of This World though, or maybe all sitcoms resort to the ghost town episode like they do with the amnesia episode, and the episode where someone has 2 dates on the same night at the same restaurant, and they have to keep running from one table to the other so they’re not found out. Anyways, here’s the 10 most amazing ghost towns according to oddee.com, a site that I think was made just for me.

#8 Kowloon Walled City, AKA The Lawless city is one of my favorites. The thought of a city ruled by anarchy is just amazing.

Thanks go to Jason for introducing me to this awesomeness.

I finally got my computer back from the shop and I’m treated with a new picture of Mars. Click here for more pictures and a proper article.

I remember reading about 2 years ago that NASA or JPL were pretty sure that they found evidence of water currently flowing on Mars. The pictures were of a dry stream bed, but they said it looked like water was very recently flowing from underground.

I wish kids these days were as excited about space as they were back in the day. Maybe NASA will finally wake up from their slumber and start doing missions that are cool again so our manned space program won’t die in 2012.

Jericho, NY
June 9, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

In the past two and a half weeks, I have used your services to travel to and from Ireland. Now, let me say that I don’t make a ton of money and had to save for quite some time to go on vacation to the Emerald Isle. If I made as much money as say, Hugh Grant, I probably wouldn’t be as upset as I am. But more on that later.

On Saturday, May 24^th, I tried to catch a connecting flight to Shannon from New York’s JFK airport. Thinking that since I had paid for this flight four months in advance as well as having checked less than a day beforehand to make sure that the flight was still on time, you can imagine my Bruce Banner-like rage when I got to NYC and found out that my flight to Shannon had been canceled. The first thought that ran through my mind was that I was going to end up spending my two week vacation in the Big Apple. This poses a problem for me because I am not particularly fond of New York City. It’s the Yankees, really, that is the source of my hatred. Derek Jeter is just okay and Jason Giambi looks like the damn missing link. There, I said it. Also, I did not want to smell hot garbage for two weeks. Eventually, I was re-routed to Dublin where I was able to catch another flight over to Shannon and everyone who was re-routed was able to get on that flight over to Dublin. I’m thinking that you guys just didn’t send the plane over in the first place because it wasn’t economical. In college, I learned that “if it isn’t making dollars, it isn’t making sense.” It only took me six years to graduate if you can believe it. On with the ranting… The cancellation of the flight delayed my vacation time by eight hours. That’s a lot of Irelanding if you ask me.

Two weeks later, I was set to return to the States. I love it here. We have delicious burritos, freedom of speech and I’m sure some other stuff that I really enjoy. But mostly, it’s the burritos that I enjoy. With cheese. And sour cream. And guacamole. And when I get a hankering for a burrito neither man nor beast is going to get in my way to stop me. Airlines, however, are neither one of those things, as I am about to point out to you. Also, if CENCORED were a living and breathing beast, we would have to do battle and given my skill with medieval armaments, I am sure that I would win. I’ve seen “The Lord of the Rings” about 50 times so I’ve got all the moves down.

Saturday morning, June 7^th: my flight to JFK was delayed three hours. This three hour delay caused me to miss my connecting flight and kept me in NYC city much longer than I had anticipated. Had I had one of those “Sex and the City” lifestyles of drinking flirtinis (or whatever those dames call them) and looking like the underside of a foot (see: Sarah Jessica Parker), I would have rather enjoyed myself for a few hours. That is not the case, though. I enjoy beer, hockey, and being awesome.

Long story short because of your delay, I spent an extra 14 hours getting home. Add that to the eight hours that I spent in getting to my destination in Ireland and you’ve got 22 hours total.

Here comes the fun part for me: what could I have done with 22 hours?

– Organized a Habitat for Humanity crew and built a house for some deserving homeless people – it’s entirely possible that a family of four in Des Moines, Iowa, is sleeping underneath an overpass tonight because of you folks.

– Found Keira Knightley. You never know.

– Driven my Chevy to the levy.

– Etc..

But I think that the best thing that I could have done with those 22 hours is work. And since all of this time was spent in New York City, I am going to use their pricing system… stay with me on this.

According to salary.com, the average Human Resources Manager (which happens to be my profession) in New York City earns about $92,000 per year. If you average that out, that’s $44.23/hour. 22 hours @ $44.23/hour would yield $973.06.

That’s a lot of money. And that’s what I expect to be paid to me by you folks for wasting almost a day of my time.

Oh, and I must tell you that you folks could really use my HR expertise… ’cause the customer service representatives that you have hired and are working for you at JFK airport perform service as well as a CENSORED. I’d like to add that there was a flight that my mom (who was traveling with me) could have caught on Delta that night to her home but I’m sure that you’ll be hearing from her, too. Anyway, if you want to hire me, we’ll start near six figures and full benefits and then work something out from there. Just a thought. I’m even going to include my resume to let you know how serious I am.

But back to the issue of money. I’ll take the payment either in cash (preferred), certified money order(s), or in (your American partner) American Airline vouchers. I don’t have any plans to fly to Ireland again anytime soon but I could fly back home to see my folks a couple times on your dime.

I’m anxious to hear a response from you. You can get in contact with me anytime. Or you can just send me a check… whichever is better for you.

If I do decide to go to Ireland again and have not been satisfied with the way you handle this matter, I guarantee you that I will be flying on RyanAir. I’ve held a grudge against the fast food giant Wendy’s for two years for not reimbursing me the $3.17 that they said that they were going to and I haven’t been back since. So don’t think I’m kidding.

Regards,

Stephen P. Bohn

1. The first thing you need for a killer picnic is great food. You want to bring something light and somewhat portable since you will be carrying it to and eating it in a park or other outdoor area. Our menu consisted of sandwiches (Curried Chicken on Spicy White Pepper-Jack Bread), plums, and a dry Riesling wine. For the sanwiches we used the cookbook Beautiful Breads & Fabulous Fillings and referenced the book Beard on Bread for help baking the bread. For wine coupling I usually refer to The Wine Bible or, if you live in Nashville, you can go to The Wine Shoppe at Green Hills and tell them what you are having; they always have great advice.

2. Next you will need some gear. I recommend a picnic basket, or a reasonable equivalent, and a quilt. You also need paper plates, plastic forks, and if you will be having wine, wine glasses and a device to open it. I recommend purchasing a 2-Step Waiter’s Corkscrew. If you live in Nashville you can get one at Harris Teeter.

3. Finally, bring a camera, then you can document your awesome food.

I saw Girl Talk perform in Nashville six years ago. It happened by accident; My boss at the time told me that he read about some electronic music show happening downtown at the Ruby Green and wanted to know if I was interested in going. Around that time in my life, I was getting pretty used to sneaking in and out of shows around town, seeing a lot of horrid, pretentious rock bands, and meeting handfuls of dudes who get high and talk about all of the sweet jams they’re going to make. I spent a lot of time taking classes and making little records in my bedroom. I felt a real affinity for pretty much anything that wasn’t considered normal; I was keeping busy making the musical equivalent to pencil sharpeners and rumble grumbles, while basically looking for a scene that wasn’t so uptight.

The Ruby Green is an art gallery in Nashville and that night was my first time being there. It was full of maybe fifty or so kids running the entire gamut of personality and culture. The show took place in the main gallery space, which was mostly empty except for a giant ball of spiral wound phone cord hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room, directly over a giant pile of phone receivers. The show was billed as an electronic music tour, dubbed the Wheels of Steel Tour, as all of those performing were from Pittsburgh, PA, one of the major steel producing cities in the country. The first act was a girl with a keytar who hooked it up with a little computer and proceeded to gyrate around to what was, essentially, horrible white noise. At first this was sort of amusing; you really had to give her credit for really going for it, but it was pretty awkward. Then it became pretty obvious, transitioning from song to song, that this was her thing and that she was going to be doing it for longer than two awkward minutes. The rest of those performing followed suit.

As the night furthered along, we found ourselves inching toward the exit until we were pretty much standing in the lobby of the place, which is when I realized I was standing next to a little scrawny guy in a jumpsuit named Gregg, or Girl Talk.

His first record, which I didn’t buy and haven’t heard, was out that year. It was about four years before his benchmark record, the Night Ripper, was to become the heralded new face of Plunderphonics (which we’ll get into in a minute) and party jam monster mixes for everyone from The New Yorker to Pitchfork Media. As I’m standing there with this dude (who is, admittedly, a pretty nice guy) it’s not really making me any less focused on leaving. I’ve had it with all of this creepy weirdness and I’m tired. Someone up front with the PA has started to play Van Halen, which makes me want to leave even more; in addition to that, I am now struggling with the fact that this dude in the jumpsuit is now putting on a headband and wristbands and taking off most of his clothes– the end result essentially being the look that I used to rock when I played basketball for the Catholic League in 1989. He’s clearly getting pumped up; like really, really pumped up. He’s in the zone. People are starting to clear him a path.

The whole thing turns into the slow clap moment at the end of Lucas.

The little dude, looking pretty determined, races to the front of the room (to his laptop), where he proceeds to shoot rainbow magic out of the speakers like lightning bolts from the able hands of Party Zeus on a Friday night before a three day weekend. There is really nothing that could have prepared me for what he was doing; it was like someone took the radio and shook it like you would shake a maraca before smacking you in the back of the head with it. His music presents itself as a casey casem cut and paste ‘where’s waldo’ jigsaw puzzle.

The crowd, having been prepared for this by the stevie nicks of white noise experimental keytarists, seemed a little confused. It was a lot like sleeping for 15 hours straight before having someone unload a dump truck full of alarm clocks on your face. And I was sold.

Fast forward five years to the Cannery Ballroom in Nashville. I’m standing inside and it’s really hot and already I’m sort of pissed because I hate the Cannery and there’s some dude in an Old Navy visor standing next to me and he’s drunk. I have the worst luck with Old Navy visor dudes, and tonight, there are lots of them at the Cannery. There’s lots of every type of girl and boy at the Cannery tonight; the place is packed from wall to wall. I have no idea what the capacity is there, but it feels like they’ve hit it. The stage is full of balloons and in the wings there’s a little dude wearing a hoodie, drinking a beer and holding a laptop.

It’s Gregg.

Looking back at the Girl Talk timeline, you realize that Night Ripper obviously did a lot of things. Girl Talk is a prime example of a performer who excels because of blogs, who does so without any major advertising. This is becoming more and more common, despite what your local record label owning, private equity firm wants you to think. The record buyer has changed, advertising has changed, and all of it continues to keep changing, which is why 400 people are crammed into the Cannery, spilling beer on one another, waiting to see a Plunderphonics DJ with no light show, no backing band, and, arguably, no music of his own.

You could argue that Girl Talk put Plunderphonics, or ‘making music out of other people’s music,’ on the mainstream map almost two decades after John Oswald coined the term, but I feel like that’s less important than the cultural and social implications of his work. Wikipedia, which has compiled an incomplete chronological list of samples for each Girl Talk track on the new album, lists samples from 23 different songs in the first track alone. For tracks on the Night Ripper, they point out that some of the sampled material comes tracks where the original artist sampled someone else:

[ “Summer in the City” by Quincy Jones + “Are You Experienced?” by Jimi Hendrix = “Passing Me By” by the Pharcyde, used by Girl Talk on “Smash Your Head”]

This is where Gillis eclipses the academic work of John Oswald; Girl Talk’s central motivation is not to outsmart anybody. He’s essentially making the greatest mixtape ever created, and not because it’s got your favorite TI song over your Mom’s favorite Tiny Tim song, but because it captures what mainstream culture is all about: turnover. Music sales overall were down 25% last year compared to the year before. Physical product is down 20% while internet sales are up 50%, yet the business is still losing revenue. You don’t technically need a slide ruler to figure out that people aren’t buying cds in stores anymore. They aren’t responding to radio or to ads like they used to; and the people who are buying music are online. They’re reading their email, talking to people, reading websites (like this one), and buying the new Lil Wayne single for a dollar on itunes; chances are they’re on their computer, and they’re talking to someone or watching tv, or making dinner, etc, so on and so forth. Keeping this in mind, after you download your new Lil Wayne jam, put it in itunes and on your ipod, about how long will you listen to it before you’re back on itunes, buying more new singles to listen to?

It’s cyclical. Music today has an extremely high turnover rate. It doesn’t matter if you like Top 40 or if you’re digging through crates in the back of Grimey’s, chances are whatever you find will lose replay value as soon as you hear it. This is why Girl Talk and his Plunderphonics bonanza won with the metropolitan Cannery crowd in the same way that he wins with most every crowd: if you don’t like the song the band is playing, wait two seconds, and you’ll get a new one. His records and shows last about an hour. The last record was released as mp3s as soon as he was finished with it. The whole thing comes with all of the bells and whistles, not too fast and not too slow, but just fast enough to simultaneously keep you from being bored and overwhelmed, which is why, in the end, I think Gillis is capitalizing less on the music he’s pilfering than the audience he’s entertaining.

By the end of the Cannery show, everyone was tired and coated in sweat and beer, Old Navy visor dude punched my friend Ben’s sister in the head two or three times with his drunken dance moves, and the stage had been completely dismantled. The helium in the balloons had allowed them to be strewn around the room, clinging to the ceiling as if they were trying to escape the animals below- everyone following Gillis, the Pied Piper of Plunderphonics.

Feed the Animals by Girl Talk is out now on Illegal Art.